Choosing YES

The picture tells the story.  This has been a season in which God has been teaching me how to hold my plans and dreams in open (cupped) hands.  It is a posture of complete surrender . . . a stance of vulnerability that says to God, "Here I am, and here is my everything.  I trust You with it; do what You will."

The very first thing I wrote in my journal during my  summer trip was this: "Give me what is better, Lord.  Give me only what is You and of You.  I'm scrubbing my slate clean.  Do what You will.  My slate is Your canvas, and I can't wait to see what You paint!"

When I prayed that, God must've smiled, knowing what He had in store for me.  Only two weeks into The Experience, I strongly sensed God telling me, Give Me a blank slate and say YES to whatever I say.  

When I shared with one of the speakers what God had asked of me, he said, "Okay, so a blank slate.  Good.  What is God asking you to do next?"  I replied that all I knew was I was supposed to keep the slate blank and wait . . . and hopefully He would speak. 
The speaker cracked a smile.  "Do you struggle with control?"

My jaw dropped.  Suddenly I knew.  Control and trust, the two issues I have wrestled with consistently for 21 years.  God was forcing me into a situation where I had no control and would be forced to throw myself on Him in trusting dependence.  And I didn't like it one bit. 

But why worry? I thought.  If God is asking me to surrender my dreams, surely He will give them back.  I was confident (maybe even a little arrogant) about how I wanted to spend my life for the Kingdom.  I had it all planned out.  It would be powerful and impactful and very, very visible.  

Two days later, we were on a flight to Jarabacoa, Dominican Republic, to spend a week ministering at a school and in two rural villages.  I couldn't wait to show God what I would do!  I couldn't wait for the opportunity to speak and do up-front, out-loud ministry.  
But even in my arrogance, I was also listening.  As I listened, I distinctly felt the Holy Spirit saying, "Be quiet, Jordan."  Each day, the same message: be quiet.  Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet.  Day after day my teammates operated in their giftings and God brought about salvations and hope left and right!  Yet He prompted me to stay in the background, to wash dishes, to converse with locals in simple Spanish, and to help keep the team unified by corporate prayer.  Be quiet.  Stay in the background.

Eventually, when I found some time alone, I asked the Lord for the hundredth time why He was asking me to take on such a quiet role.  He answered gently in my heart, saying, How does it make you feel, Jordan?
"God, I feel frustrated.  I feel stripped of effectiveness.  I feel like You've taken away my identity."
Letting God lead me in that time of quietness, I started asking myself some hard questions.  It didn't take long for my arrogance to crumble in a misery of tears.  I realized that I had found my identity not in Him, but in what I did for Him.  I had so identified myself with my gifts that I no longer separated the two.  In the Dominican Republic, God showed me the beauty of quietness, the beauty of serving and ministering in ways that are invisible to all eyes but His.

We spent the next week in Haiti, where God brought me to the end of myself.  He allowed me to be broken so that when He used me, He would be using a humble, trustingly dependent Jordan, not a Jordan confident in her own abilities.  At the same time, God began putting me in situations and using me in different ways where I excelled, but wasn't so thrilled about.  My leaders began looking at me differently, saying things like, "Wow, Jordan, you really have a gift in this area."  I shrugged it off, not wanting to go there in my mind.  I still preferred my idea of up-front ministry, even after seeing the beauty of background ministry in the Dominican Republic.

On our last day in Haiti, one of my teammates suddenly spoke it out loud.  He told me what I would be doing with my life.  I wanted to walk away!  What he described was not how I wanted to spend my life for the Kingdom.  I had my own ideas of how I wanted to serve God, thank you very much.
But my teammate countered my argument with, "Jordan, would you do it if God asked you to?"
I grit my teeth.  "Well . . . yes.  If God asked me to, I would."
My teammate smiled at me.  "Will you pray about it?"
I said I would, but I walked away trying my hardest to forget.  My mind screamed God, no, no, no!

But the seed had been planted, and I could not get it out of my mind.  I did pray -- very hard.  I prayed that my teammate was wrong.  I prayed that this wasn't what God wanted to write on my blank slate.  
I wrestled with it in the airport on our way back to the US.  One of my leaders saw me and asked what was going on.  I explained my struggle with what my teammate had said.  "Would God really ask me to make my life's work something I am not passionate about?"

By the time we were reunited with our other teammates in Miami, I knew the answer.

Bottom line: my purpose in life is to glorify God, whatever that looks like.  And since He is God, He gets to decide what He wants that to look like.  My job is to say YES to whatever God says, obeying Him no matter the cost.  
Having passion and excitement for what He asks me to do are not prerequisites for obeying Him.  I must obey regardless of how I feel about it, and if He chooses to do so in His perfect, good will, He can bring passion and excitement to my act of obedience.

I wrestled with this for several weeks as the summer program continued.  At this point I didn't know how to really cup my hands (that would be something I'd learn in September), but as I slowly began unclenching my hands and lifting tearful, vulnerable eyes to my loving Lord, I chose to say yes.  Yes to whatever He wanted.  Yes, regardless of how I felt about it.  Yes, because I exist for Him, not the other way around.  

What came next was quiet, peaceful confirmation that I had finally stepped into His will for me.  I stood up and walked forward during a call to an international life.  There was no clarity beyond that -- just that He was pleased, and that was enough for me.  Through the final weeks of the program, God opened my eyes to see that His plan for me is wondrously, gloriously alive!  Filled with purpose and meaning, even though it is dramatically different than what I had planned for myself.  Different, but oh, so much better.  I felt so loved by God and soon was able to rejoice in doing whatever He wanted.  It was so sweet to please Him, so sweet to surrender and let Him write the story.

But what surprised me most of all was my heart.  Slowly, it had begun to change, and I didn't realize it until the day I caught myself thinking about "my new dream" -- and I stopped short, stunned.  

My new dream?

On graduation day, I was unexpectedly given the opportunity to FaceTime with the teammate who had spoken to me in Haiti and turned my world upside down.  I found myself saying to him, "I chose to say YES, and when I chose to obey, God changed my heart toward this.  Now, this is all I want to do."  

I fully believe that when we say YES to God, obeying regardless of how we feel about it, He can change our hearts.  He can open our eyes to a plan much larger and more alive than we could ever imagine.  He is GOOD, and His plan is absolutely flawless. 

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:18-19

Choose YES.  I promise you, you will not regret it.  

When Life is Like I-69

Last weekend, I drove my family down to Fort Wayne, Indiana so I could attend a reunion of teammates from my summer trip.  We'd been planning the reunion for several weeks and I couldn't wait to get there!  

What I didn't realize was that the route we took would change my perspective on life.

My mom navigated from the passenger seat, and she instructed me to take I-69 all the way to Fort Wayne.  To the untrained eye, taking I-69 does not seem like the best way (the quickest or most convenient) to get from eastern Michigan to northern Indiana.  She assured me from the start, however, that taking I-69 would be the smoothest, least complicated, and most direct way to get to our destination.

Trusting her judgment, since she's made the trip many more times than I have, I began to drive.  It wasn't long, however, before the irony began to set in.  To get to I-69, we had to drive north -- the complete opposite direction of where we wanted to go.  And once we merged onto I-69, we had to drive west!  

Again, I trusted my mom's judgment, but I couldn't help feeling tense as we drove westward, hour after hour, seemingly getting nowhere close to Fort Wayne.  It felt like a waste of time.  If we needed to go south, why did we have to go west?  Would the road ever turn south?  

Mom assured me it would.  Once we arrived in Lansing, she said, I-69 would curve around the city and we would begin to head south toward Fort Wayne.  Sure enough, about two hours into our trip, I-69 curved around Lansing and we were finally heading in the direction we had been wanting to go!  

My mind was very busy as I drove south for the next few hours.  

Life is often like I-69.  In our lives, we often have a deep desire to go a certain "direction", or to get to a certain "destination", but the route from A to B -- when taken on God's terms -- can defy rationality.  Why would God ask you to head the opposite direction?  And once you made the transition to the "route" He has planned for you, why would He set the course westward?  You're running parallel to the destination.  You are no closer to Point B than you were before!

Or so you thought.

See, my mom chose I-69 because it was the smoothest, least complicated, and most direct way to our destination.  She could have chosen the more common route, which was riddled with changing interstates, heavy traffic congestion, construction, and the stress that comes with navigating through large cities.  She chose I-69 because it was easier and more peaceful, (which she knew would benefit me because I'd never driven to Fort Wayne before). 
All along, we merely stayed the course.  We didn't have to change interstates or drive through congested cities.  We let I-69 take us all the way to our destination.

This is a beautiful picture of how God guides us.  He may lead us onto a road that makes absolutely no sense.  It may be frustrating.  It may lead us into a season of spiritual drought or silence.  It may feel lonely, like a desert.  We're heading west when all we want is to head south! We may begin to doubt God's logic -- which can spiral into doubting His goodness, His character, and His love.  

The world, the flesh, and the devil will tell you that while you're heading west, you are no closer to Point B than you were before.  All the angst, blind faith, and trust in the dark -- it's all a waste. 
But that's wrong.  You are much closer to Point B than you could ever dream!  It may not feel like it now, but if you truly trust God's heart toward you, you will see that the route He's chosen will take you directly to where He wants you to be.  

God's Point B may not be your Point B.  As I drove westward toward Lansing, I drew a comparison of the route to my own life since returning from my trip this summer.  I had to admit to myself that God's Point B might be drastically different than mine, and that He has made no promise to take me to my Point B.  All He has promised is that this road I travel (with my hand in His) will take me directly to where He wants me, wherever that may be. 
With this in mind, the road may keep going west!  It may turn north again, or it may even head back east.  Walk the road by faith and let Him decide which way the path will curve.  It may indeed take the turn you hope for and begin heading in the direction you desire! 

Remember why my mom chose I-69.  She knew that I had never gone this way before and wanted to take me the safest and least complicated way.  She chose I-69 out of compassion and love for me.
When God takes you a route you don't understand, remember that everything He does is motivated out of compassion and love for you!  Everything He gives, everything He takes away, everything He allows, and everything He doesn't allow are all colored by His faithfulness, His compassion, His protection, His mercy, and His LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
  
While you are on your own I-69, traveling a path you don't understand, striving toward a goal you cannot see, cupping your empty hands, trying to figure out how to hope . . . may I suggest a new prayer to pray?  It is just seven words long, but those seven little words can change your life forever. 

"Father, align my heart with Your will."  

Welcome to I-69!  Trust your Navigator.  Keep driving. 

Brilliant Master Storyweaver

How do you even begin to describe the glory of the all-glorious God?  How do you even explain when His glory (His love, His faithfulness, His compassion, His sovereignty) becomes everything to you?  

How do you explain what it's like for God to explode into your life and turn your world upside down?  How do you express what it's like to be completely changed?  To have a new identity?  To be marked forever?

"How was your trip?" is something I hear often now.  What can I say?  

Lifechanging.

One of my dear friends asked me that very question a few evenings ago, and I found myself almost at a loss for words.  How could I describe it??  "I am a different person," I replied.
She smiled at me.  "I can tell.  I hear it in your voice."

In the past I have struggled with letting God be the Author of my life.  I have feared trusting Him because my path thus far hasn't made a lot of sense to me.  I thought I could write a better story, one with much less pain and many fewer trials.  Now, as God is bringing me through seasons of healing and redemption, I can look back and say:

"O Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name; for You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness." -Isaiah 25:1

I recognize that if I were in control, my life would look much different.  It might be less complicated, absolutely.  But it would not be abundant.  If I were in control, my life would be safe and easy.  But I would not be alive.  

When I was younger, I prayed that God would give me a life worth writing about, a story worth telling.  Now I see that my life is His story, and it is definitely worth telling.  He is the main character, and I am a supporting actress.  My ultimate goal in life is to glorify God, whatever that looks like.  However, wherever, whenever.  

And what a story He is writing.  It is not devoid of problems.  It is not devoid of pain.  It is not devoid of frustration or complications or impossibilities.  
But neither is it devoid of miracles.  It is filled with promises and hope and faithfulness.  What a God we serve!

He is the brilliant Master Storyweaver, interlacing threads of life both painful and beautiful to create a tapestry that reflects His love and glory!  

What a beautiful robe to wear.  

Like Invisible Ink (Hard Questions, Part 2)

In Part 1 of this two-part series, we looked at two of the questions we usually ask when we're in a spiritual valley.  The first question, "is God really here with me in my valley?" we answered with a resounding yes.  (For a refresher on how we figured that out, see Part 1.)  But knowing this doesn't seem like enough; I imagine some of you are probably asking the next question:

"Well, if God really is here with me in my valley, then where is He??"   

I used to ask this question literally all the time.  And if you are asking it too, you're in good company!  Hundreds of people in the Bible asked it -- probably screamed it -- and shed bitter tears when they felt that God had abandoned them in their darkest hour.  So where is He??
  
"Why, O Lord, do You stand far away?  Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble? . . . . In the pride of his face the wicked says, 'He will not call to account;' all his thoughts are, 'There is no God.' . . . He says in his heart, 'God has forgotten, He has hidden His face, He will never see it.'  . . . But You do see, for You note mischief and vexation, that You may take it into Your hands; to You the helpless commits himself; You have been the helper of the fatherless. . . . O Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart; You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed." -Psalm 10: 1, 4, 11, 14, 17-18a

Months ago, I came across one tiny verse tucked away in the Psalms, and that verse started this whole series. "Your way was through the sea, Your path through the great waters; yet Your footprints were unseen.  You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron." -Psalms 77:19-20

He has been here all along, even when we don't see Him.  He has promised "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you," and it takes faith to believe that He is with us, even when the world taunts us and insists that He is not.    

"The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, haven not forsaken those who seek You." -Psalm 9:9-10

Here's the key: God's way often doesn't make sense until afterwards (if it ever will this side of Heaven).  Often while we're walking through a dark season, we don't see His "footprints", and it takes faith to believe that He is here, He hasn't left, He is guiding, and His plan is in motion.  We have to choose to walk by faith and not by what we can see (2 Corinthians 5:7).  Look for Him in the little things.  As you begin noticing little answers to prayer here and there, it will encourage you to press on in faith that He will also answer the big things in His timing.  

 "O Lord, You have searched me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold O Lord, You know it altogether.  You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.  Where shall I go from Your Spirit?  Or where shall I flee from Your presence?  If I ascend to heaven, You are there!  If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.  If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is not dark to You; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You. . . . How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.  I awake, and I am still with You." -Psalm 139: 1-12, 17-18

So to answer your question: where is God?

He's been here all along.  Just like invisible ink that can only be revealed by a very specific light, or by a heat source, God has been here all along.  Sometimes it takes the blazing heat of the "furnace" to see it.  The challenge doesn't lie in the fact that God is there; the challenge lies in our faith -- our choice to believe it and actively walk in it, enduring until the end, believing His promise never to forsake us.


"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. . . . And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He is, and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11:1,6  

Not Okay (Hard Questions, Part 1 1/2)

I was sitting here writing Part 2 of "Hard Questions" when a thought suddenly struck me, and it was so powerful that I dropped everything I was doing and opened a new blog post.  There is something I have to tell you.

It's okay to not be okay.  

This two-part series we're in, "Hard Questions," deals with the two of the biggest questions we ask when we're in a spiritual valley.  But it struck me that I have been addressing those questions without speaking to what is between the lines.  It's so subtle that I almost missed it.  

Let me tell you about what my valleys used to look like, and see if yours look the same way.

In my valleys, I would feel overwhelmingly guilty.  I would feel ashamed because I questioned God's goodness and His love.  I would be ashamed of my angry tears.  I would regret anything I said to Him because I felt that He could use it against me on Judgement Day.  I felt like such a disappointment to Him for my lack of faith and trust.  Were you ever told, "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all"?  I felt this could never be more true than with God. 

So I said nothing at all.  I decided to suffer in silence.  I would read my Bible and cry quietly, never daring to raise my eyes heavenward, afraid of the disapproving look of the Lord.  I felt like a worthless failure of a Christian.  And I certainly didn't have a lot of affection for this harsh taskmaster of a God I served.  

I don't remember what it was that caused me to think differently.  Perhaps it was a sermon or the words of a family member.  Maybe it was an e-mail from a friend or a divine "epiphany."  All I know is that one day I realized it's okay to not be okay.  God's heart wasn't breaking because of my failure as a Christian or because my faith wasn't proving strong in the midst of my trial.  God's heart was breaking because I had been tricked into believing that I couldn't go to Him for comfort.  I had ultimately been deceived about His character and convinced that He wasn't really "good."  (I'll give you one guess at who deceived me.)

It was a strange feeling when I finally, timidly raised my eyes heavenward.  I had never felt more vulnerable in my life.  Knowing me, I probably said something like, "Is this . . . okay?" before bursting into tears.  There is such relief that comes with knowing God's true character.  His heart was aching for my hurt.  He cared that I was wounded.  He wasn't up in the sky glaring down at me, hating me for my piteous state of faith.  He wasn't disappointed in me.  He's not disappointed in you.

God's shoulders are big enough for your questions.  He can handle your hurt.  He is BIG ENOUGH!!  He can handle your woundedness.  Come to Him and let it all out.  It's okay to not be okay.  Come to His arms and rest, finally, in unconditional love.  Have you ever felt that?  Even at our best, humans can barely attain it.  There is nothing you can do that will make Him stop loving you.  Absolutely nothing.  You are His precious, precious child.  You're hurt: that's okay.  I think He loves to be close to us when we are hurt.  Our pain is irresistible to Him; He wants to swoop down and comfort us.  We just have to let Him.

I have really no idea why I felt moved to write this post.  It's messing up my nice, orderly two-part series.  But I find that whenever I try to get all my ducks into a neat, straight row, God likes to intervene and show me another way -- a way that's far better than what I would have chosen.  So if this was for you, praise God! 

For now, God's arms are open.  He's waiting for you.  And it's okay to not be okay.

God of My Valley (Hard Questions, Part 1)

There are times when we endure a season of suffering and, through it all, enjoy a heightened sense of God's presence.  But what about those times when it feels like God has dumped you in the middle of something hard and left you on your own to figure it out?  Where is God then?

Over the years I've asked this question a lot.  Some questions have no answers outside Heaven, but along the way, God has taught me two very important lessons.

The first lesson is illustrated in 1 Kings 20, when Ahab, the king of Israel, is warned by a prophet that the Arameans (some translations say "the Syrians") are gearing up for attack.  Ahab prepares the Israelites for battle and goes out to meet Aram, but an embarrassing sight awaits them.  The Arameans fill the country, while the Israelites in comparison look like two small flocks of goats (v. 27)!

The situation looks pretty grim, but Israel is about to find out that God has a beef with Aram.  "Then a man of God came near and spoke to the king of Israel and said, 'Thus says the LORD, "Because the Arameans have said, 'The LORD is a god of the mountains, but He is not a god of the valleys', therefore I will give all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the LORD" ' " (v. 28).

At that time, pagan nations like Aram believed that gods had only so much power, and were confined to specific areas (like mountains and valleys).  According to notes written on 1 Kings 20:23 from the Ryrie Study Bible, the Arameans wanted to fight in the valley because they believed that Israel could only win if they fought battles on the hills, since Israel's God controlled the hills. 

There really is no need to finish the story, because God had set Himself in opposition to Aram, which means that no matter how many troops Aram brought against God, He would win.  What I want you to see is what offended God in the first place.  

He was offended by the accusation that He was only a God of the hills, and not also a God of the valleys.

If you know me well enough, you know that I hear that with a different perspective entirely!

Christians sometimes label stormy seasons as "valleys" and sunny, celebratory seasons as "mountaintops."  (I know I do!) If we take this point of view and apply it to Aram's accusation of God, it sounds like Aram is saying, "You're only in control, present, and gracious during the sunny times.  But when the stormy times come, You go M.I.A.!"

This is a lie, no matter how true it may sometimes feel.  God wants it made very clear that He is equally as present (sometimes even more so to our awareness) in the valley.  

"For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness.  These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing." -Deuteronomy 2:7

"But the land that you are going over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water by the rain from heaven, a land that the LORD your God cares for.  The eyes of the LORD your God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year to the end of the year." -Deuteronomy 11:11-12 

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." -Psalms 23:4

God never, ever, ever lets go of your hand.  He has not left you, even though you feel alone.  David says that there is no way we can lose God or get away from Him (Psalms 139: 7-10).  He is most certainly a God of the valleys!  

But what about my original question?  If God is with us in the valley, then where is He?  

I'll address that in Part 2. :)