Not Okay (Hard Questions, Part 1 1/2)

I was sitting here writing Part 2 of "Hard Questions" when a thought suddenly struck me, and it was so powerful that I dropped everything I was doing and opened a new blog post.  There is something I have to tell you.

It's okay to not be okay.  

This two-part series we're in, "Hard Questions," deals with the two of the biggest questions we ask when we're in a spiritual valley.  But it struck me that I have been addressing those questions without speaking to what is between the lines.  It's so subtle that I almost missed it.  

Let me tell you about what my valleys used to look like, and see if yours look the same way.

In my valleys, I would feel overwhelmingly guilty.  I would feel ashamed because I questioned God's goodness and His love.  I would be ashamed of my angry tears.  I would regret anything I said to Him because I felt that He could use it against me on Judgement Day.  I felt like such a disappointment to Him for my lack of faith and trust.  Were you ever told, "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all"?  I felt this could never be more true than with God. 

So I said nothing at all.  I decided to suffer in silence.  I would read my Bible and cry quietly, never daring to raise my eyes heavenward, afraid of the disapproving look of the Lord.  I felt like a worthless failure of a Christian.  And I certainly didn't have a lot of affection for this harsh taskmaster of a God I served.  

I don't remember what it was that caused me to think differently.  Perhaps it was a sermon or the words of a family member.  Maybe it was an e-mail from a friend or a divine "epiphany."  All I know is that one day I realized it's okay to not be okay.  God's heart wasn't breaking because of my failure as a Christian or because my faith wasn't proving strong in the midst of my trial.  God's heart was breaking because I had been tricked into believing that I couldn't go to Him for comfort.  I had ultimately been deceived about His character and convinced that He wasn't really "good."  (I'll give you one guess at who deceived me.)

It was a strange feeling when I finally, timidly raised my eyes heavenward.  I had never felt more vulnerable in my life.  Knowing me, I probably said something like, "Is this . . . okay?" before bursting into tears.  There is such relief that comes with knowing God's true character.  His heart was aching for my hurt.  He cared that I was wounded.  He wasn't up in the sky glaring down at me, hating me for my piteous state of faith.  He wasn't disappointed in me.  He's not disappointed in you.

God's shoulders are big enough for your questions.  He can handle your hurt.  He is BIG ENOUGH!!  He can handle your woundedness.  Come to Him and let it all out.  It's okay to not be okay.  Come to His arms and rest, finally, in unconditional love.  Have you ever felt that?  Even at our best, humans can barely attain it.  There is nothing you can do that will make Him stop loving you.  Absolutely nothing.  You are His precious, precious child.  You're hurt: that's okay.  I think He loves to be close to us when we are hurt.  Our pain is irresistible to Him; He wants to swoop down and comfort us.  We just have to let Him.

I have really no idea why I felt moved to write this post.  It's messing up my nice, orderly two-part series.  But I find that whenever I try to get all my ducks into a neat, straight row, God likes to intervene and show me another way -- a way that's far better than what I would have chosen.  So if this was for you, praise God! 

For now, God's arms are open.  He's waiting for you.  And it's okay to not be okay.